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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Looking back


Looking through my cookbook.
Found this meal signed in June.
Now I should be signing October already.
Realized I didn't cook it. 
Or, more accurately, haven't cooked it yet.
I cook one meal at a time. 
I may prepare a lot of meals at once,
but will cook only one.

I think about
less than a year later
when I'm leaving
and starting a new life
it's one life, the same life, I know
but still it's new.
It's pretty hard to believe.

I think about
when I will feel freedom once again.
I don't even remember the feeling of it
because if I try to feel it, 
I will go there
I won't be able to get rid of it again
I will be inundated with spirits of freedom
thoughts of dreaming wild
when in reality 
I have to suppress freedom
and live through the battle now

who know when this battle will be over
I know, but how much more will I suffer
I know this pain will build me
like painting concrete in me
to prepare for the strong winds ahead
but right now it's just too painful.

I want to cry, yell, scream into the night
hoping no one would hear
yet wishing someone would find me
hidden and sobbing in the dark
under this bleak night sky

If I see a star, I'll go with it
I'll follow, to wherever it may go
If no star shines above
I'll paint my own galaxy.

I tell myself,
Keep walking, until the path ends.
At the end, there will be a finish line.
I'll knock it down, I'll feel triumphant
I'll be sharing the love
I won't be somber anymore

but don't dream yet.
because the finish line is not here yet.
It's getting near, but only if I don't dream about it.


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